Hattie's Stone, rubbing of Hattie Birdsong's headstone
In having no boundaries to my sense of self, I feel scattered, dispersed, lonely, and needy. I have given them up to others' comfort and goodness, same ol' behavior Mom taught me:
Give of yourself to others unselfishly and with all your heart. Give them your time, your money, your space, your stuff. The more you give, the better life will be. If they give to you, thank them with copious amounts of praise and gratitude. Then give them quadruple what they gave you. Give till you drop. Give till you are empty. Think of nothing but doing for others and giving to others.
Maybe it was those impossible expectations:
"To be a good girl, I can't make any mistakes,Mom was cornered into a no-win situation. She didn't have the tools to cope with the new venture and life perspective she took on when she and Dad divorced in the 60's. Who could help her with issues of boundaries and identity then? She came out of the marriage groping for any way to make a go of it in her hard won life, to find her own sense of Self. And yet her path was a direction where all she did was serve others. Others whose need was so desperately great, Mom helped people who were visually impaired.
and I must never hurting anyone."
Maybe Mom just wanted to be greatly needed, regardless of discovering her own sense of Selfness. Maybe being needed allowed for her to get unconditional love and acceptance. Maybe she discovered her Self through her work with others.
When my brothers, and I did the substance abuse intervention with Mom during a family session with counselors and therapists in '85, it must have blind-sided Mom. She thought her children were ganging up on her. Her sense of Self was being rejected, abhorred and deeply wounded. Her recourse was to "quit drinking, if that was the problem," rather than come to terms with the disease of alcoholism. We spoke of ways the disease affected us kids. What she heard was what an awful mother she was. And how it was her fault that we kids had so many problems.
Despite the fact that our motive was loving, our intention was to do good, and the support and help was there in the family session if Mom wanted it, her response was to reject us. She went deeper in a "purple funk" as she once called it, over the next decade. All three of us kids tried every way we knew how to communicate, be with her, share our love with her. She would not have us in her life. She was cordial but distant.
It was 10 years later that us kids came together with Mom. She was slipping away quickly as her liver and bones gave into cancer. We worked through forgiveness and acceptance with her, with each other, and found a place of peace.
I give her my deepest respect. Like most parents, she did the best she could with what she had to work with. And she was one of my greatest teachers
Anne Colmery was gracious and kind, a fabulous cook and a fine artist. She certainly shared her enjoyment of life with others!
